The Past 2 Years

I've decided I want to get serious about writing on my blog again. I have a lot of family and friends who happened to live all over Canada, and some in other countries. Facebook is a great way to keep in touch, but reading status updates and seeing a picture here and there doesn't really explain what is actually happening in life. So get comfortable because I have a lot of catching up to do. I'll try and be as brief as possible but I think it is somewhat important to know the past to understand the present! :)
In February 2010 Ted and I decided it was time to start trying for another baby. Since Malachi was a one time try I honestly believed we'd be pregnant shortly after trying. But each month passed by and every stick I peed on turned out to be negative. My body was not acting as it was supposed to (I will leave out the details!) so in September of 2010 I went and had a chat with my doctor. He ordered some blood work, told me to keep trying and come back at a year of trying if I hadnt gotten pregnant by then. February 2011 I made an appointment with my doctor, he referred me to an OB, the same one who did my c-section with Malachi. Told me it would take 1-3 months to get a call for an appointment, and keep trying.
May 2011 hits and still no pregnancy and still no call from the OB. When Aunt Flow showed I decided to call the OB's office and see about being put on a wait list or anything, get an idea of how much longer. She told me I wouldnt get in until the fall! THE FALL! I was bummed, so I made an appointment with my doctor again to ask about a referral else where. My appointment was for Wednesday May 18. Wednesday morning comes and I notice aunt Flow has gone, its only been 2 days since she came. Thinking how weird that was I decided I take a pregnancy test, two of them actually, from two different places. One said I was pregnant, one said I wasn't. Completely weirded out by this, I ran to tell Ted who was in the backyard. As I ran back up the stairs after talking to him I could feel Aunt Flow coming back. I was so confused! I then had an hour long, very painful cramp. I was relieved I had a doctors appointment set for that morning.
The doctor decided to send me for blood work to see what was going on and called me the next day with the results. I was pregnant! He said my hCG levels were low, but I was pregnant, so just to be careful. He told me to get blood work done twice a week so he could monitor my levels. They continued to go up.
The May long weekend came and I started to get a cramp in my leg, very similar to the cramps I would get when aunt Flo came to visit. And yes, she was still slightly present. By the Monday of the weekend it was getting a lot worse. Ted had gone to hockey in Parksville and I was putting Malachi to bed when I couldn't handle the pain anymore. I phoned Ted who came back to the house. He called his sister and she came to watch Malachi while Ted took me to the ER. I had never felt such pain in all my life! It was unbearable. Well there wasn't much they could do for me, but they scheduled an ultrasound for June 1st to see if it was an ectopic pregnancy and gave me some pain killers and sent me on my way. Tuesday the bleeding finally stopped! I was so happy! Wednesday the leg pain went away! I was getting so excited!! I was praying everything would work out and was already planning how I was going to spread the news!
May 27, Ted's birthday, I was making dinner when the doc called to let me know about my hCG levels. They dropped, my heart sank. I went to the washroom and right away saw blood. Over the next few days I miscarried my baby and on June 1st, I went in for my ultrasound, now to just make sure everything was going back to normal, and it was.
My hope after the miscarriage was that my body would regulate itself and I would get pregnant soon, since it seems people are a little extra fertile after a miscarriage I was really praying a pregnancy would be only a few months away.  And if anything I was hoping it would regulate my body. 
The opposite happened and in September I couldn't take it anymore, I made another appointment with my doctor.  I told him he needed to refer me else where.  I went home and that afternoon Dr. Lajoie's (the original OB) office called to book me in for October 19!  Finally a date to look forward to, finally a step in the direction of help!!  I was relieved!
On October 6 I get a call, the OB's receptionist had a cancellation for the 7th and wanted to know if I could take the appointment.  YES!  Things worked out great, she needed blood work done from me on cycle days 3 and 21.  That just happened to be cycle day 3!  I went right away!  Basically what they figured out from all of it was my cycle day 3 tests came back normal, but my day 21 test came back showing I hadn't ovulated.  Sort of important to get pregnant.  I went back on November 4 and Dr. Lajoie gave me a prescription for Clomiphene, a drug to help me ovulate.  I am only allowed 3 tries on it and then if it doesnt work she will refer me to a fertility clinic.  I was also given progesterone pills to kick start my period.  My cycle was getting close to 60 days, the pills started it for me after I triple dosed on them!  December was my first round on the Clomiphene.  On cycle day 21 I went for blood work, negative for ovulating.  In January I was supposed to double my dose.  Negative again.  I spoke with the receptionist only to find out I was supposed to take two pills a day.  No one told me this and it was not labeled to do that.  I was so upset to find out I had take the same dosage as before.  I felt like it was a waste of a try and a cycle. 
I am now on cycle 3 on the clomiphene and this time I am on a double dose, I took the two pills a day and I am hoping and praying that this is the month for us!  But I won't lie, 2 years of failure has put many doubts in my mind and a big part of me fears it wont work again and worse, I will never get pregnant again.  I have wrestled with my emotions, with God, with myself and I am so tired and worn out.  I fear that even though the road has already been a long and bumpy one that it's not over and that there is a lot of road left to travel.  I have my good days, but mostly I have bad days.  I feel like I am wearing a mask and I am tired of hiding.  I have learned so much in the past two years, so much!  I've learned that a simple question like "When are you having kids?"  Can hurt like a punch in the gut.  I've learned that I can feel joy for a pregnant friend but complete anguish for myself.  I've learned to pull away from everyone because it hurts a lot less.  I resent those who get pregnant "by accident" but rejoice with those who have been in my shoes, who have felt the heartache I have endured.  I have questioned my faith and questioned God.
This blog will be about my struggles in conceiving but also about the miracle in my life, since going through this I have learned what a blessing Malachi is.  I will try my best to stay updated! :) -