Adjusting to the new life

I figured I would try and update this as often as possible (in other words whenever I think of it) as long as I know people are actually reading it.
Ted had basically been off of work since we moved, so July 12 until August 14.  He did go to work for basically a day and a half when we first arrived, but it was quick and all he was doing was clearing into the base, so he wasn't really "working."  His time off once we were settled into the house was not that exciting for any of us, it was just a lot more settling and getting things done - for example changing our drivers licenses over to Ontario, getting an Ontario health number, switching plates over, etc.  Honestly I am not sure how we would have gotten everything done if he hadn't taken the time off.
We did try to do stuff as well, we went to the Zoo with an offer through the military, it was great weather until lunch and then it rained!  Make that poured!  We went equipped for rain though so we stayed fairly dry.  After the zoo we decided to stop at Ikea - what a crazy idea!  Ikea, downtown Toronto on a Saturday is a dumb idea!  Ted thought I wanted to shop, but since I was exhausted from walking around the zoo, the idea of walking around a crowded Ikea was not something I wanted to do.  So we grabbed ice cream and ate it outside.  Next we headed North to Barrie and stopped at this HUGE outdoors place, so of course we stopped and while Ted drooled over hunting gear, Malachi and I checked out Children's Place (which was also a zoo!) and we picked up a Canucks shirt for him!  By the time we ate supper and got home it was 8pm.  It was a long day but it was enjoyable! 

By the elephants

On the long weekend Sunday we tried out a church here in Angus, of course it was the long weekend and so a lot of people were gone camping or wherever.  Malachi seemed to enjoy his time in Sunday School and of the few people we talked to (including the pastor), we figured we go back for a second try.  It seemed to be the same amount of people again only this time it appeared to be different people.  Malachi again enjoyed his time in Sunday School, but the lack of friends to play with after the service seemed to really get to him.  He spent the rest of the day just miserable and you could tell he was fighting his feelings and unsure of how to express them to us.  It was sad.  As for Ted and I, we talked with one older man and when it seemed like no one else was willing to talk, we headed home.  We were going to try a new church tomorrow, but looks like Ted is working.

Ted went back to work on Wednesday, he basically is either waking up at 5am or 5:30am, depending on whether he has to run that morning with the students or do an inspection.  He gets home between 4:30 and 5pm.  He is exhausted when he gets home, but of course all Malachi wants to do is play and all I want to do is talk to an adult.  But since Malachi wins out, I end up keeping to myself, enjoying the break from Malachi... of course I am making supper at this time so it's not a true break.  Ted has to work all weekend for some motorcycle event going on, he started at 10am and told me he probably won't be home until late tonight.  He has to work again in the morning, but it shouldn't be as long since he's just got to clean up after today's events.
So basically - Ted is exhausted after long hours at work, I am exhausted from being around Malachi 24/7 with no break and Malachi is missing friends and his daddy! This is definitely not a place for families to get "closer" to one another.  Because of this, Ted is very tempted to take a full 9 months off for parental once baby is here.  He's still unsure, but he seems to be leaning towards it.

Anyway, that's about it for this update.  Not much is happening, just living each day, knowing each one that passes will bring us closer to going back home.  Yes, that might sound pathetic, but I know this is definitely not my home and we are all looking forward to returning to BC! :)

Our Journey East

Our crazy amazing friends!

Our journey begins in January of 2008, well I guess in reality it begins the day I met Ted, but I really won’t go that far back (it’s already been 7 years!!).  I just want to give a brief history and then I will share the current part of our journey.  While living in Sooke we received a phone call from someone on base about moving to Nanaimo (Nanoose Bay) and we were given 24 hours to decide.  We wrote out the pros and cons, prayed about it and felt in our hearts it would be a wise move.  6 months later we were on our way to Nanaimo.  Once there and settled we were doing what we do best – looking for a new vehicle.  We knew we wanted to start a family and we knew our ford Ranger would not hold more than the 2 of us.  A salesman saw our fish sticker and asked which church we attended, we told him our story and he invited us to his church.  As most of you know, that was a God thing because we ended up with some awesome friendships and felt at home instantly.  We knew from the start (as we know with every posting) that it will not be our forever home and even though we were well aware (as were our new friends) that it was a temporary stay leaving certainly wasn’t any easier. 

As the time came for posting season, I asked God that He send us somewhere where as a family we could grow closer to Him and find a good church.  When we first heard we were going to Borden, ON we were both shocked and a little upset as we did not ask for this place.  But I remembered what I prayed and I have to believe God has put us here for a reason, though I’m still a little upset about it – perhaps God can turn down the heat in the summer??  

The moving truck

My 30th Birthday

So our journey continues, on Friday July 13 – my 30^th birthday! – We had to say good bye to our friends.  We had them all over to our empty house to have pizza and ice cream cake with us.  We had some wonderful people who showed up to help us clean and I am ever so grateful for that help!

I had said good bye to our friend Craig as he had to leave early, and after saying bye I told everyone I was done with good byes and people needed to just leave while I wasn’t looking.  No one listened.  It was definitely the worst part of my birthday.

Partying with our friends in our backyard

 Saturday morning at 5:30 we went back to the house to get Neeko and as we drove off I watched the house disappear in the rear view mirror.  That’s when the tears came for me.  But since Malachi was in the car with me I didn’t want to make a huge deal out of it, so I sucked it up and we boarded the ferry one last time.  And even the ferry, the reason I always said I would never move back to the island for was a sad departure, knowing I wasn’t coming back on for a very long time!  I might actually miss it.  Malachi had joined Ted in the truck at this point and my tears flowed freely.  Driving away from the Island, where Malachi was born, where I’ve felt more at home in years!!  Leaving Surrey wasn’t even this hard!  

Breakfast at Denny's with Family

My Family

 We arrived in Langley and met up with a bunch of my family members at Denny’s for breakfast.  It was nice seeing them all there and though saying bye to them wasn’t as hard at the time, once we left and got on the road, the tears came back (I think one of the reasons it wasn’t as hard is because we’ve said our good byes when I moved to Alberta).  And to be honest, they came back off and on for the next several days - Leaving the lower mainland, leaving the province and just periodically thinking about it.  I had to catch myself a few times as I would think “Oh on our way home…” or  “When we get back to Nanaimo I’ll have to do….”  That makes me sad. 

So our first stop was in Revelstoke, BC.  On the way a few “exciting” things happened.  My purse went for a ride on the back of the tailgate!  And while driving through Kamloops I noticed a familiar car driving, spotted the “Mexico Outreach” bumper sticker and knew it had to be a couple from my church in Surrey, sure enough it was!!  We finally arrived in Revelstoke and I was exhausted! 

Day two - When we got up the next morning it was hot and sunny.  As we continued driving the rain began and did not stop till the middle of Manitoba!  I needed gas somewhere around Banff, so I drove in to the town and what a gong show it was in there.  Because of the craziness and the pouring rain, Ted said “I’ll meet you in Morely” and drove off.  No problem, right? Wrong!  I looked on the map but couldn’t find a “Morely” or anything that resembled the name, so I figured he must have said Canmore.  So I searched Canmore for him but no luck.  Decided to keep going and that’s when I noticed on the map, off the #1 was a Morely.  So after missing the exit and turning around I found the little hole of a town called Morely.  Only there was no Ted to be seen.  Since I already had headed off the trans Canada hwy, I continued on this back road and figured if I don’t find him, I’ll head to Olds, where we were spending the night at his moms.  The road took me to Cochrane, AB and because hwy 1 was really close to where I came out I figured I’d go take a peek and see if he was waiting.  As I drove I noticed his truck in a gas station!  I found him!  Finally!  We continued North and had a visit with his mom until the following morning when we hit the road again. 

Day three - We took a detour and went to Drumheller – God’s Sense of Humor.  I won’t get into it but I enjoy believing that God put bones in the earth to mess with our heads.  Tell me where they fit into the Bible?  But that is a discussion for another day.  We enjoyed our little stay there and then continued on to Swift Current, SK.  

Malachi and I in Drumheller, AB

 Day four – We left Swift Current and arrived in Regina around 10:45 am and visited with our friends Scott and Julie who we met in Nanaimo (they moved back to Regina a year ago).  They have a boy who is 18 months older than Malachi and they both had a blast together!  It was a much needed break for Malachi!  They even have a dog that Neeko was scared of, but just as we were leaving they played for a bit!  It was sad to say good bye to them but we had to be off to reach our next destination – Brandon, MB.  However after we left their house I realized something terrible, we left Malachi’s stuffed monkey “Ah-Ah” at our hotel.  This monkey is not only special to Malachi but to me as well as it was the very first gift given to us when we found out we were pregnant!  We called the hotel and they said they would mail it to us!

Asher, Malachi and Loganne

 Day five – With no one left to visit we headed towards Kenora, ON.  We arrived around 3:30 and enjoyed being able to move around and not have to go straight to bed! 

Day six – We continued our journey, entered our last time zone change and headed for Nipigon, ON.  It was a small little place and there wasn’t much to look at.  But we had a room with a bed and that’s what mattered most.    

Day Seven – We continued onward and headed to Sault Ste. Marie. 

Day Eight – though we could have made it to Barrie, I was so tired of driving and the thought of doing another 6 hour drive exhausted me.  So we cut it in half since we were still a day ahead of schedule.  So we made one last stop in Sudbury for the night. 

Day Nine – Finally we arrived in Barrie, ON!  No more driving, I was ecstatic to finally be done but sad that it meant we were there in our new hometown and we were not turning around to go back to Nanaimo.  

Our time since we have arrived

On the 23rd of July we had our house viewing, Malachi was very excited to finally see the house.  We put Neeko in the backyard while we looked around the place inside.  One thing I should mention is that Barrie is HOT!  And not just hot, but humid as well.  The humidity tends to make the temperature a good 10 more degrees hotter then it actually is, so we have gone from a cold BC summer to a sticky hot 40+ degree weather here in Ontario.  So we put Neeko out and about 30 minutes later I am trying to find something I can get her water in.  That's when I noticed our pool cover was all messed up.  I stepped outside to see a soaking wet dog come running up to me.  Someone went swimming!  She was very lucky she got back out!! Crazy dog!  I am happy to say that was her only jump into the pool.  

Our stuff arrived on July 25th and we were finally done with hotels.  Malachi was very glad to have his stuff back. 
We have been settling in slowly - I did paint Malachi's bedroom so it took a little longer to get his room ready, but now that it is, I think it looks great!  

Malachi's room before

And after!

 Last week half my tooth broke off, so we went and found a dentist for me, this Thursday they will be fixing it.  Later that day I noticed some marks on Malachi and my first thought was "ringworm."  Turned out I was right.  

A few things we are getting used to - the humidity!  The traffic lights - here a flashing green means the right away to turn left.  Huh!?  And the weirdest to me is the bagged milk.  It's like seriously stepping back into the 80's!  I don't know why they have them and I can't wait to be back in the land of jugs again! :) 

So that's where we are right now, trying to fit in to our new life, checking out the area and finding a new church.  It hasn't been easy and we are missing our friends back in Nanaimo and our life there.  Malachi constantly asks for his friends, he has asked me how we make new friends.  If we will find a "new Everett" or a "new Jack."  etc.  But even now he seems to slowly be adjusting to this new life.  

Anyway, thanks for reading my mini novel! :) We'd love to hear from you! 

Playing in the pool!

"The Hurt and the Healer"

It amazes me how soon we forget about our past struggles and what we've been through to get to where we are today.  I sat down on the couch to breathe for a moment and the song "The Hurt and the Healer" by MercyMe was on.  The line that caught my attention was:

 Breathe, sometimes I feel it's all that I can do.  Pain so deep that I can hardly move.  Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You, Lord take hold and pull me through.  So here I am, what's left of me, where glory meets my suffering.  I'm alive!  Even though a part of me has died, You take my heart and breathe it back to life. 

This hit me because it really wasn't that long ago that I was so broken inside and the only thing, the only ONE who kept me going was God, and during that time of pain and struggling I wanted to never forget how it felt, to feel so blessed when the pain finally ended.  And I certainly do feel blessed and I remember what a precious gift from God this pregnancy is.  It hasn't been an easy one, but it is a constant reminder to me that no matter what, Christ is holding me through it.  The song goes on to say:  

It’s the moment when humanity is overcome by majesty. When grace is ushered in for good and all our scars are understood.  When mercy takes its rightful place and all these questions fade away.  When out of the weakness we must bow and hear You say “It’s over now.”

It is over now, thank God it is over now!  We might be back in this place again, but I made it through once, I can make it again!  I can put all my trust in a God who NEVER lets go and believe with all that I am He will conquer and His will be done.  

I don't know if this baby is a boy or a girl, we don't have names picked out, but one thing I know for sure, this baby's name will reflect God's mercy on us, his love and the joy He has given us! :) 

My baby boy

 

Just remembering my baby boy... look how blonde his hair is!!

Some feelings to share

On a bi-daily basis I probably come up with a topic I can blog about, but as I think further into what my "story" would be, I realize how it probably wouldn't be the best thing to share.  And so another day goes by and I don't write on this blog.  I also get stuck on what to blog about because I honestly don't know who my audience is.  Besides a mystery commenter who would not share her identity with me, I really dont know who and if anyone is reading.  Who is my audience?  Or do I even have one?  So for today (and probably most days), I'll just share what I feel.  I guess that is what blogging is about anyway. 
I signed on to facebook this afternoon only to find another person pregnant.  To me, that's another punch in the heart.  No, not the gut, the heart.  There are days when I seriously contemplate deleting my facebook account because sometimes it is just too hard to go on to.  And yet wanting to keep in touch with friends and family is important to me.
Back in January, right around the time of my estimated due date with the baby I miscarried, there was 3 babies that I know of born within a week of my due date.  Two babies born a couple weeks later.  So in the midst of grieving, more so for the fact that we still were not pregnant, every time I went onto facebook there were new pictures of babies, of proud (but exhausted) parents holding these precious little ones and pictures of big sisters and/or brothers proudly holding on to the newest member of their family.  And each time I saw another picture, I think another piece of my heart broke off.  Here's the thing, some of these women who gave birth are some of my closest friends, and all I feel towards them is resentment (now please, if you're one of these friends, don't be hurt by what I say, but do read on!).  Back in December I attended my best friend's baby shower.  It is her first born, and I honestly couldn't have been more happy for her.  I made a trip to the mainland just to attend her shower and was so excited to be there.  Of course the last time I had seen her was in August and I knew she would have somewhat of a baby bump, so I prepared myself to see that.  The thing I should add here is that we would have been 3 weeks apart had I not miscarried.  The idea of being pregnant at the same time as my best friend was basically a dream come true (Something we used to talk about when we were kids).  Anyway, after arriving at the shower a friend of hers walks in and I noticed right away she too was pregnant.  Now this was hard to deal with and I had to bite back the tears.
See, the three of us used to all be friends when we were like 7 years old, we also all shared the last part of our first names "anna." All I could think of was how cool it would have been had we all been pregnant at the same time.  And to be honest I was jealous that they got to be pregnant together.  And to fast forward 6 ish weeks, they both had girls, about a week apart.  Right in the midst of my due date.  It hurts.
I have another friend, she just gave birth to her 3rd in February, and honestly, I am happy for them but I am so mad and really sad.  You see, I've started resenting anyone who has more then one kid.  I pull myself away because I am so hurt that I don't have that.  And I so badly want that.
Anyway, for those reading this thinking "wow Rosanna, you need to get over this resentment"  well I'm sorry but I can't.  And unless you've been in my shoes I don't know if you'll ever understand either.  Its the same for those who are single but would so desperately love to be married.  Meanwhile everyone they know is married!  Just imagine wanting something really badly, something you've dreamed of for well over 20 years!!  You want it so badly that you've been trying for over 2 years to make it possible, you spent a lot of time and money into getting it, you've asked God day after day for this thing and you have no idea how many more months or years of trying till you do get it... or will you ever?  And what's worse, you obsess about it day after day and you feel so incomplete without it.  And because of all this you feel worthless.
You see, I feel resentment towards friends because every time they announce their exciting news of another baby, it reminds me that I don't have another one.  I just feel sad.  I don't want to feel this way, but unfortunately I do.  I wish I could be happy and excited, but I can't.  And I apologize to any of my friends or family that may have wondered where I disappeared to after the announcement of a pregnancy.
*Big Sigh*

My sweet little miracle

Oh how he has grown! :)

Feeling Blue

I have been feeling a bit off the last while, so automatically my head turns to pregnancy.  To be fair, I was nauseous, light headed, had frequent headaches, I was exhausted, and more.  So why wouldn't I get my hopes up right?  But I resisted the urge to get excited, googling "early pregnancy symptoms" and looking at baby names.  I had my blood work done on the the 24th and would get the results on the 27th.  I kept telling myself "Wait till you know if you've ovulated or not."  Well I didn't ovulate, and as much as it sucks, at least I didn't get more excited then I already was.  So I get one last try with a higher dose of a drug and we'll see where that takes us.
So here I sit, completely at a loss.  I feel so numb.  I keep playing it over and over in my head, why would God put the desire on my heart to have children, lots of them, but only allow me to have one?  I don't get this.  I understand our plans aren't always what God has in store for us, but come on.  I remember being in Bible College telling someone "Well since they don't have a course here where you can graduate as a wife and mother, I thought I would take ECE instead."  As a child I wrote out my dreams of how many children I wanted and what their names would be.  My numbers went as high as 10 (Seriously, what was I thinking?!) and as low as 4.  And since a bit of reality has kicked in, I settled on 4.   But now another dose of reality is kicking in and I have to stop myself and wonder if that dream will even come true.
As I said, I am at a loss.  I feel like I have no purpose right now and that feeling is dragging me down.  The mere thought of only ever having one child scares me immensely and I don't even want to think about what life would be like with just the three of us.  Not to say my family right now isn't "good enough" because I love my little family, but I don't feel like we're a complete family yet.
Malachi will ask me sometimes "Mom, are you sad because you don't have a baby?" (Unfortunately my son sees me cry more then he should).   Sometimes I tell him yes.  One time in particular he said to me "Mom, I'm sad, I want a black baby."  I don't know where he got the idea of a black baby.  I told him, "Well we need to ask Jesus for a baby."  So every once in a while Malachi will tell me he's sad because he wants a baby and I just ask him "Who do we ask for a baby?"  "Jesus!  He's in my heart.  And in yours too mom!" 
My boy is a sweetheart and I know because of him I am able to carry on with each day.  My heart truly goes out to those men and women out there so desperately trying for their first child.
I don't know what the future holds, I don't know if I'll ever get the four kids I have dreamed about, or if I'll even be able to get Malachi a sibling that he so desperately wants as well!  I just don't know what the future holds.  But for the meantime we'll continue living each day as it is truly a gift from God and continue to ask Him for a baby. :)

A side note thought I had several weeks back.  As a parent when our children ask us for something repeatedly, we tend to do one of two things, keep to our first answer and stick with "NO!"  Or finally give in to quit the whining and say "yes."  So I've been asking God for a baby for two years, at least once a day, if not more, and I am really hoping He either gets tired of me asking and finally says yes... or maybe He's gonna be stubborn and keep saying no!  I really hope He changes His mind! :)

A thought from the past

I feel like sharing how I see God working in my life, I am so fixated on the negative aspect of everything that is happening that very rarely do I stop to see what God has been doing for me in this time.  So I'd like to share from back in August/September time. 
I had been feeling really abandoned by God, I thought my body was getting back on schedule after the miscarriage but with each month I noticed it certainly was not.  I was depressed and crying almost daily, the want for a baby was just so strong (and honestly I feel it stronger with each passing day, I've just learned how to deal with the disappointment), I had called my doctor to let him know I couldn't handle it anymore, I needed help now!
So one day I get an email from an old College friend, someone that I used to be really close with, but through time and of course distance, we sort of fell away from each other.  Receiving an email from her was somewhat of a surprise.  But reading it was just complete shock.  She had shared with me that every time she prayed God brought my name to mind and so she was wondering if everything was okay and if there was anything I needed prayer for.  By the time I finished the email I was in tears.  Just when I am feeling like God is not listening to me, I find out He's got people praying for me that weren't even aware of issues.  I shared what was happening and I have been able to continue to share with her, and she has been praying for me. 
In November she told me she was pregnant and was a little worried about how I would handle that.  Honestly, when I find out people are pregnant I usually cry, it doesn't matter how close they are to me, I cry because I am sad.  But she was so sweet to be worried, how could I cry?  Anyway, I am very excited for her to become a mommy, I know she will make a great one!! :)
And in times when I do feel like God isn't listening to me, I just remember the little things like my dear college friend.