Feeling Blue

I have been feeling a bit off the last while, so automatically my head turns to pregnancy.  To be fair, I was nauseous, light headed, had frequent headaches, I was exhausted, and more.  So why wouldn't I get my hopes up right?  But I resisted the urge to get excited, googling "early pregnancy symptoms" and looking at baby names.  I had my blood work done on the the 24th and would get the results on the 27th.  I kept telling myself "Wait till you know if you've ovulated or not."  Well I didn't ovulate, and as much as it sucks, at least I didn't get more excited then I already was.  So I get one last try with a higher dose of a drug and we'll see where that takes us.
So here I sit, completely at a loss.  I feel so numb.  I keep playing it over and over in my head, why would God put the desire on my heart to have children, lots of them, but only allow me to have one?  I don't get this.  I understand our plans aren't always what God has in store for us, but come on.  I remember being in Bible College telling someone "Well since they don't have a course here where you can graduate as a wife and mother, I thought I would take ECE instead."  As a child I wrote out my dreams of how many children I wanted and what their names would be.  My numbers went as high as 10 (Seriously, what was I thinking?!) and as low as 4.  And since a bit of reality has kicked in, I settled on 4.   But now another dose of reality is kicking in and I have to stop myself and wonder if that dream will even come true.
As I said, I am at a loss.  I feel like I have no purpose right now and that feeling is dragging me down.  The mere thought of only ever having one child scares me immensely and I don't even want to think about what life would be like with just the three of us.  Not to say my family right now isn't "good enough" because I love my little family, but I don't feel like we're a complete family yet.
Malachi will ask me sometimes "Mom, are you sad because you don't have a baby?" (Unfortunately my son sees me cry more then he should).   Sometimes I tell him yes.  One time in particular he said to me "Mom, I'm sad, I want a black baby."  I don't know where he got the idea of a black baby.  I told him, "Well we need to ask Jesus for a baby."  So every once in a while Malachi will tell me he's sad because he wants a baby and I just ask him "Who do we ask for a baby?"  "Jesus!  He's in my heart.  And in yours too mom!" 
My boy is a sweetheart and I know because of him I am able to carry on with each day.  My heart truly goes out to those men and women out there so desperately trying for their first child.
I don't know what the future holds, I don't know if I'll ever get the four kids I have dreamed about, or if I'll even be able to get Malachi a sibling that he so desperately wants as well!  I just don't know what the future holds.  But for the meantime we'll continue living each day as it is truly a gift from God and continue to ask Him for a baby. :)

A side note thought I had several weeks back.  As a parent when our children ask us for something repeatedly, we tend to do one of two things, keep to our first answer and stick with "NO!"  Or finally give in to quit the whining and say "yes."  So I've been asking God for a baby for two years, at least once a day, if not more, and I am really hoping He either gets tired of me asking and finally says yes... or maybe He's gonna be stubborn and keep saying no!  I really hope He changes His mind! :)